life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
