how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it š
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dogās dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a āwater bottleā. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I wonāt know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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