yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
