Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
