My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
