You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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