So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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