I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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