i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
