OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
