Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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