Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
