I wish my penis had an off switch
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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