the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
