Just fell off a train. Bad.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
