Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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