I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
