Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
