Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
