New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
