You don't have asthma, your pregnant
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
