Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
