there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
