I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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