I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
