I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
