sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
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All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
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They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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