Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
