I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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