the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
