Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
