for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
