her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
