You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
