I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
