one word: firstdatebathroomanal
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
