I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
