I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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