She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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