God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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