I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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