My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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