u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
try to milk me bitch
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