mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
