Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
