dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
