side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
