Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize