I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
