These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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