You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
im six kinds of drunk right now
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
