made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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