Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
