Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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