she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
