why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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