There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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