Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
